Do you often rely on the things you think you know or feel; or is that just me? 🤔😱🤦♀️
I grew up on a farm alienated from the rest of the world because my stepfather was very controlling. I couldn’t go to a friend’s house or even have them come over. Momma spent a lot of time placating him and protecting me from his sexual advances. He made us a prisoner. When Momma’s driver’s license expired, she wasn’t “allowed” to renew it. Torn between the evil all around us and the animals that were dependent on her she sought God’s face often. Spiritual battles crossed often between evil we could see and others we could not.😯I spent most of my life relying on myself.
My friends were my animals and my confidante—God. I spent hours and hours by myself with no one to talk to except God. I spent hours lying on top of an old well looking up into the sky dreaming of a better life. 🐏🐐🐑🐴I longed for space. I could look up into the sky and tell you every constellation. Perhaps my future lies in the stars, I thought. 🤔🌟
As a Trekkie , this wasn’t too big of a scientific leap for me. Life here on earth wasn’t working for me, so perhaps I could find myself well suited among the stars. I found myself drawn to NASA and dreamt of becoming an astronaut. This dream began to fall apart on January 28, 1986, as I watched my future explode 73 seconds after lift-off . The debris ripping through the fabric of my soul. NASA announced so many changes over the coming months it was certain space travel would never be the same.
I felt so lost and full of abandonment; once again unsure of my future. 😱😱I remember lying in the middle of my backyard looking up at the stars feeling betrayed by them; betrayed by God. The cold concrete over the deep well beneath me a reminder of the vast coldness of space. My future hope gone, I questioned God, “now what?” That same night, God gave me a wondrous gift, I saw Halley’s comet. ☄️ This my friend is huge for someone so connected to space. This seemed a sign to me a reminder I am not part of this world.
My future still uncertain, I knew the only One I could depend on was God. I didn’t understand why He allowed the Challenger disaster, but it caused me to go from wanting to be among the stars to writing. I began writing my first book at the age of thirteen. I never completed it, but it was at that moment, I knew words were my future. 📝📔I’ve written thousands of words and read even more than I could ever count as a balm to soothe my pain.
In 33 years, these stories gave me to escape, therapy, and now hope. In the ten years since my divorce in 2009, writing opened doors I never thought I’d see, opened windows into the hearts and minds of others and gave me a way to communicate with God.
Searching for purpose and direction for my life, I’ve gone to school. With a bachelor’s degree in public relations, a master’s degree in writing, now I’m working on another master’s degree, this time as a Christian life coach, so why I am still filled with such uncertainty.
“Lord, who am I?” I cry.
I want to matter, in my heart, God tells me I do, so why do I continue to feel like I don’t?
The enemy battles for my mind. He whispers lies and I believe him.I’ve seen God do amazing things, so why can’t I stop trying to figure things out and depend on HIM?
Why do I feel so lost, when I know I’m found in Him? Why do I seek accolades, when all my soul longs to do is give God the Glory?
Why is my flesh so weak, when I spend hours reading His word and seeking His presence?
Please tell me I am not the only one who feels torn between the woman I know God has created me to be and the fleshy, needy woman who seeks her worth in the eyes of others…
Psalm 100 (MEV) encourages us…
“Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth! Serve the LORD with gladness; come before His presence with singing. Know that the LORD, He is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise; be thankful to Him and bless His name. For the LORD is good; His mercy endures forever, and His faithfulness to all generations.”💜💜
My Sweet Precious Sister, I want you to know if you feel lost between the world and the love of our Heavenly Father you are not alone. You and I can walk through this together, with the Lord as our Shepherd.
I’d love to hear your heart, what is it that is causing you pain? How can we pray together, seeking the loving face of God and His glory?
If this post blesses you, please share it, comment with Amen, and invite your friends to my free Facebook group, Dare to Be You with Dianna Sandora. http://bit.ly/Dare2BeU
 Trekkie is a term that originated around 1970 as a way to describe fans of the TV show Star Trek who go above and beyond in their expression of admiration for the show. https://haenfler.sites.grinnell.edu/subcultures-and-scenes/trekkies/
“On Jan. 28, 1986, the shuttle exploded 73 seconds after liftoff, killing the seven crewmembers and changing NASA’s space program forever.” https://www.space.com/18084-space-shuttle-challenger.html